Floods & Insecurities

Ya know I've never been the girl who blogs. The one that confesses her feelings out to the cyber world. Perhaps some guy or girl out there that may googled something else and stumbled on my blog. In any case, I'm not a nut job. I'm an artist. Scratch that. I'm a cancer. Well, I don't really know who I am anymore. I guess this flashes of insecurities just keep coming back to me even when I know it happened way over 10 years ago. But I still feel pain. Pain on not being able to look someone in the eye when I'm talking because I'm afraid they might see me. I hide behind humour and sarcasm sometimes just so that I don't set myself up for being vulnerable. That way, I could hurt people first before they hurt me. But after so many tv shows and korean dramas, I thought I had a revelation. I'd like to trust people. But I don't think I can give them my full trust. I'd like to trust my boyfriend of four years; who has been more than willing to put up with me. But I just don't know how. Tell me where to start. Help me. Because I don't know a single guy out there who is even capable of trust. Those guys just exist in the movies. I'm scared 'virtual diary'. I was quite taken aback by his decision today. He's decision to go study. I mean I don't want to be selfish but is this really the time? I've waited 3 years to graduate from the hell hole I called a school and he never once complained. He said he was waiting for me so we could get married. But something changed. Something I said. I know I'm the idiot who always has to open her big mouth. Really. He is just another insecure and indecisive man. I never objected to him working at that place. Never. I always just wanted what's best for him. I really do. I never made fun of what he is doing because I always respected his ability to be rational and his intelligence. Why now?