I Pray To God That Things Will Be Better

My heart yearns for him. Too damn much. My heart yearns for his soothing voice, his soft touch and his comforting kisses where I feel so alive. But this has to stop. This dream has to face a reality someday. No more tomorrow but today. No more accepting the hurtful remarks and the put-downs and then thought that things could change. For temporary smiles and laughter, for moments of bliss where you just feel like the whole world is in the palm of your hands. No more of that. I want a happiness that last. Even if not forever, but the least fro everyday, a smile to be cherished. I lied in bed, constantly looking at my phone, looking whether he did log into whatsapp or change his status in facebook. Anything that could satisfy my hunger for him. To breathe and feel him again. But he is too caught up in his world. In his head right now, I'm wrong and he's right. It has always been. In his head right now, he will move on, away from me, no matter how difficult because he feels he needed me to learn and that I'm too strong headed to come and talk to him. And I'm teaching him, relationships have options. Which path you choose to deal with a situation is how you will work things out in future, good and bad. And I guess he got too comfortable. With the whole theory stuck in his head, he is not willing to re-write and compromise what is best for us. How you hurt me now, you will get hurt in future. And you will see. You never know you lost something till its gone. And now its gone from your life.

Before I Leave...

Before I leave, I would like to say something. These are the people that could make me happiest and also sad and angry with a bunch of other unidentified emotion imagined for the last year 1/2. I loved each and every one of them dearly because they all hold a unique character which I wouldn't get to find anywhere else and they each taught me a beautiful lesson to make me a better person. I grew more firm, patient, loving, understanding, believing in better communication, sympathy, empathy, social etiquette and so much more. I honestly believe that I'm truly blessed to have to know people like them, who once graced my life so colorful and full of life. I love you all and most definitely will miss you all dearly. I pray and hope u each will find a better happiness, everyday.

The Ties That Don't Bind

Times like this i feel truly alone. Very lonely. I stand here taking abuse day in and day out and its causing me permanent damage to my self esteem. Why? Why is it so fun to torture me? Was it because that you've prayed for something you've wanted and set your hopes so high that you can't believe that I'm standing here today, a total disappointment to you? Was I not your ideal of perfection with well manners, good education and career to show off to people? You couldn't accept me and you never will. Deep down I'm the burden that you have to carry; spewing words like hell and damned. I am the damned & i will go to hell. Its mental torture. There should be a trauma ward that admits mentally tortured souls. I'm pissed. Truly pissed. Is there a moment where i could get peace? Where i could have trust without the speech of family values and honor that follows? Whats more pissy is having a boyfriend who is emotionally handicapped. Ask him to provide you financially, he'll man up and do it. He'll do whatever you want but when you cry, when you cry your eyes out and ask for his love and understanding, even for just one second, he is silent. He could never utter a simple sentence but lets you be engulfed in more misery. Are all men emotionally handicapped? I wasn't expecting a hollywood-movie scene; just a small nudge. You know girls are never hard to please. When you learn through the loopholes, we're the most easy-going creatures. Why not do the simple task for a change? You don't need fancy dinners, fancy gifts, just bring us out for a pizza, crack some jokes and show me that you're there for me. I would be happiest. Guess not. Not now and not ever.

Floods & Insecurities

Ya know I've never been the girl who blogs. The one that confesses her feelings out to the cyber world. Perhaps some guy or girl out there that may googled something else and stumbled on my blog. In any case, I'm not a nut job. I'm an artist. Scratch that. I'm a cancer. Well, I don't really know who I am anymore. I guess this flashes of insecurities just keep coming back to me even when I know it happened way over 10 years ago. But I still feel pain. Pain on not being able to look someone in the eye when I'm talking because I'm afraid they might see me. I hide behind humour and sarcasm sometimes just so that I don't set myself up for being vulnerable. That way, I could hurt people first before they hurt me. But after so many tv shows and korean dramas, I thought I had a revelation. I'd like to trust people. But I don't think I can give them my full trust. I'd like to trust my boyfriend of four years; who has been more than willing to put up with me. But I just don't know how. Tell me where to start. Help me. Because I don't know a single guy out there who is even capable of trust. Those guys just exist in the movies. I'm scared 'virtual diary'. I was quite taken aback by his decision today. He's decision to go study. I mean I don't want to be selfish but is this really the time? I've waited 3 years to graduate from the hell hole I called a school and he never once complained. He said he was waiting for me so we could get married. But something changed. Something I said. I know I'm the idiot who always has to open her big mouth. Really. He is just another insecure and indecisive man. I never objected to him working at that place. Never. I always just wanted what's best for him. I really do. I never made fun of what he is doing because I always respected his ability to be rational and his intelligence. Why now?

1st Clubbing Dat Rocked Socks!

I am gonna blog about this night. Because this memorable night, at the age of [Erhemz], I went to my 1st club Rebelz with my buddies V & U! It was so exciting. To be able to go back out there and dance until my tummy hurts. So this is what dancers feel like on So You Think You Can Dance. Haha! Nonetheless it got slow at first, albeit U brought along a friend, which I don't even know her name and U's friend brought along a friend, which goes by my favourite name D. D was quite cute though I was very shy and couldn't strike up a conversation with him. They started drinking and wanted to get high but I was just happily sipping my coke. I got high on the music and lights and it was like a fairy tale. At one point 2 guys wanted to dance with me. I didn't think that I'd ever get any attention. Though they were somewhat less than par, I still nit-pick because hey, better than nothing right? Compared to where I've been previously, I think that this is a far stretch. Way far. Because I'm not a party animal and an avid clubber, I just don't get asked out that often. So I let loose. At one point D was asking me why my glass was bigger than theirs cause they were drinking the good stuff but still not high. I said mine was coke and I swear above all that loud music, I thought I heard him say, "Well, my cock's bigger." Major epic LOL. I always spewed my drink. Then he left early. I didn't even get to ask him to dance with me. I guess he's not interested. But overall I didn't really put much hope and attention to it. Least I had fun with my girls. And V danced! Haha. Terribly but it was awesome.

The A-Team = Awesome Beyond Damage!

Ok. Ok..OK!! The A-Team is too darn freaking awesome! A reasonable movie with a reasonable plot but the insane antics and the crazy comedic acts are just too hilarious! Nuff said. I simply just love this movie :]

Despicable Me

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I can't wait to watch this one! The trailer is so cute and many laughters and giggles ahead!

I can't wait to watch this today. Though it comes as a bit too late because I think this movie's about to be done from screenings. LOL. Well will tell you how it goes. :]